Tick Tock Goes the Clock

It has been 6 months since my last scan. I can’t hardly believe it. Tomorrow, Roy and I will head to Greeley for the follow-up PET scan that is required post-treatement. I am not worried about the results. Good, bad or ugly, God will take care of it. He did it before and He will do it again. We are hopeful for a clear scan, but it will be a week before we know the results. I still don’t like the actual scan – holding still while going into a tube is not my idea of fun. It makes me think of a coffin and I have a whole lot of life ahead of me.

The hard thing to bear is that this is taking such a toll on my little Jake. Jake falls asleep quickly and easily. After we shared with the boys that I would be headed into the doctor tomorrow, it simply put Jake in a tale spin. We are not sure why this is harder for him now. Is he more aware of what cancer did to our family? Is he scared of the results? Does he even understand what he has already faced? Is he worried we will face again? All I know is that I can love him despite his fear. I crawled (in a very ackward, very uncomfortable way) up onto his top bunk simply to hold him. We had laid the boys down, but he was upset and called me back downstairs. Jake couldn’t stop crying. He was trying to be strong, but he simply was “going to miss his mommy time.” He needed one last “big hug” before he said he could fall asleep. In tears I headed back upstairs. For the first time in his six little years of life, he cracked his door open an hour and a half past his bedtime so he could find me and crawl into my arms. On a different day I may have been annoyed or frustrated or worried that he wasn’t getting enough sleep. Tonight I wanted to hold him as much as he wanted to be held. I wanted to take away his pain and worry and tell him everything was going to be alright. Is it? Probably. But there is no guarantee. The one thing I know is that just as Jake found comfort in my arms, I find comfort in Jesus’ arms. He holds me in my sadness and fear with such peace and comfort that I too will sleep sound tonight.